Revival Meeting

Today is such an unsmiley day. For the first time in like a month, i havent smiled happily for the entire afternoon to night. Must have been the words god spoke to me. I think i've brokened his heart and misplaced his trust in me. I feel both guilty and troubled. Guilty because for the past few months, i havent been fulfiling my true purpose in life, and troubled because i now carry such a big responsibility in this world.

Before svc today, i was reading a book, and i realised how much more mature and wise i can be. I thought i grew spiritually. Well, many people did. But in fact, i think that what i've seen and experienced is only the tip of the iceberg as to what my calling is. There are so so many more things i can do. While i have never doubted my love for god, i know i havent been obeying one of his greatest commandments; love one another like yourself. Its so sad, because everyday i have been telling myself, i must love other people, i must love other people, but deep down, i know i havent been loving them enough. And i think thats where the problem and challenge lies, when you begin to love imperfection. My love for god has been 100%, for his love for me has been perfect. But to what extent can we boldly say we love imperfect people too?

During svc today, this ugly truth was once again highlighted in my life. In my life, i see so many windows of opportunity for me to act. God has placed me in an environment where they are so many non christians, and many of them are my close friends. But for the past few months, i have been a horrible horrible person. My attempts to introduce the king above all kings, lord above all lords, the great and almighty god have been so weak and futile. Its was so clear that my words lacked pure conviction, lacked empowerment, lacked the glory of god. It is little wonder why i have failed so terribly. I have, to put it crudely, disgraced my status as a christian. Other times, i became a mere onlooker, watching them sin without myself even shivering in disgust. Its just so tragic that while god has given me so much of his glory to shine in my life, i havent been able to extend his glory to others. What more do i deserve from god, than a slap on my face and a wake up call. For the past few months, what i did can be summed up to watching them falling prey to the devil, watching them getting consumed with sin and watching them drown in a sinking ship. While for me, I happily held on to a rope, busy with my own safety, while they sink quickly into the quicksand. God has given me so much grace and love, but i failed to deliver his hope and purpose in my life. Yes, I have wasted his love. I am truly ashamed.

Perhaps the only matter i can rejoice in would be that they havent fully sunken in yet. I can still reach my hand to them and save their lives. While every second i waste would be them sinking even deeper, I will pull them with all my might and strength which i draw from the lord and make sure they are saved and freed from the chains of the devil. This day, i commit my life to god's purpose, i will live for others, and seek to bring salvation to all. The bible says in Luke 19:17, "And he said to him, 'Well done, good slave, because you have been faithful in a very little thing, you are to be in authority over ten cities.'" I now boldly declare that this is god's calling onto my life, to move even the highest mountains, to part even the deepest oceans. All i ask is for you, jesus, to never forsake me when i need you, for you to forever give me your glory and edify my soul. For this time, i will not fail you.